You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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