Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
