My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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