Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
