what day is it and did you see me today?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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