I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize