I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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