At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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