If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
