I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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