you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
