just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
