dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
