dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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