Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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