The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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