Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
