You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
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