I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
