Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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