you turned your livingroom into a bong?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
