When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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