FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
