I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize