I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
