Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
