so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
