i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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