saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
