dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
