Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
