Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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