Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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