rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
