Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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