haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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