i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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