my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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