it's not cheating when I paid for it
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
