you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
