i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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