happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
