I think I died a long time ago.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
not ubering you a puppy
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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