I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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