i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize