He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
