I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
