She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
