she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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