8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
