I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
