Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
