Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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