Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
