so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
