I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You dont lie about slip and slides
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
