Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
These tits shall not be calmed
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
